Folks who know me are well aware of the love I have to all things horror and that includes the men and women who hunt the creatures of the night. Universal is about to unveil Van Helsing to multiplexes all over the country. I really want to like this movie, really I do. But, from what I’ve seen on the screen and in print doesn’t get my hope up. Sure, it will look pretty and the leads are both damn fine looking folks. But, for my money a movie that contains the “classic” Universal monsters needs to have a certain feel to it. That feeling is hard to put words to. The film either has it or it doesn’t. Van Helsing just doesn’t seem to have what I’m looking for. But, I will do my best to give it a fair shake, as anything that keeps interest in horror high is okay by me. However, Van Helsing has given me a reason to look back at my favorite hunters of monsters. This will be no simple list though. There will be no top-10 or top-5 for these folks. No, as bereft of the nature of these folks. They will fight it out! Battle Royal style!
So your friendly neighborhood Geek took a nice weekend off. Got away from the computer, scaled his basement stairs and walked (gasp) outside! Turns out that it’s spring and the sun is out. I packed a small bag, got in the car with the lovely Jenn (yes, I have me a lovely lady…wipe that shocked look off your faces… Geeks get sweet loving too… Tools). Anyway, wanting to add an element of chance to our trip we decided to randomly choose our path. It was cute when she suggested that we just blank out the “5” and “6” on a D6 and roll. “Baby, I um… I got me a four-sided die, please”. With that I handed her a tube of 9 polyhedral dice, her first set. Sigh, that’s such a special moment in a person’s life. She rolled the pyramid shaped die and we headed south…
[The following is transcribed from a tape recording I found in Geekcave after waking from a drug-induced sleep]
Stupid little boy, did you think I wouldn’t find your secret headquarters? For too long I have watched your male ramblings on this page. Too long have I been subjected by your testosterone influenced ranting. Well no more bucko! I. Me. Joni DeRouchie. Director. Writer. Web Goddess. All around amazing woman is running the show! Oh, no you don’t… No waking up yet… [Undecipherable mumbling followed by a loud THUMP. That would explain this bump on my head]. Heh, heh, heh, there we are silly little Geek, back to dreamland with you. Now then, where was I? Ah yes. Time for a REAL top-10 list of the HOTTEST Geeks EVER. Unlike you easily amused men, we ladies need more then green legs and robotic boobs to be impressed. And so, I present to your “fans” a TRUE Top-10 list. Damn, he’s coming around again! Time to depart… Oh, he has a Wesley Crusher action figure… Not anymore! [More crashing can be heard on the tape. I wake up to find some of my underwear missing and multiple calls to 900 numbers. Gonna’ get you for this Joni].
This is what happens when you stray too far…
It would be too easy for me to spout off how much I hated The Punisher and everyone involved in this steaming pile. To be fair, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (soon to be Rebecca Romijn-Duran, oh yea), is quite good. Granted her role is rather simple and one-dimensional (course, anyone who sees this craptasical film will totally get the irony of that statement). Still, the character of Joan is well performed and you genuinely feel sorry for her lot in life. With the exception of the utterly wasted Roy Schieder, all the other performances have been phoned in. Hell, Kevin Nash showed better acting skills in the squared circle. See, I’m doing what I promised I wouldn’t do. Well, let me get the review out of the way so I can get to the point.
Geeks have long made lists of the most bad ass women in Sci-Fi, Horror, Comics, and any other general geeky genre. But, never has the attempt been made to list out the Geek women that elicit pure lust from us basement dwelling Geeks… Until now!