True, the holiday is still many weeks away. However, as the weather changes here in Portland I find myself drawn to everything things All Hallows Eve. However, closer than Halloween is the 1st Annual Stumptown Beard & Mustache Competition. What is the facially covered person to do when they wish to compete in the event for money and glory, but also want to enjoy a night of costumed frivolity? Yet one more season as a Quaker, pirate, or the quickly cliched Buddy Christ? Fear not my fuzzy friends, your friendly neighborhood Geek is here to help. With that, I present to you the Top-5 Costumes for the Man of Bearded Distinction…
Honorable Mention - Captain Benjamin Sisko - Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
I know, I’m gonna’ get all kinds of grief for putting the lone African American on the list at the very beginning. (Oh, spoilers, sorry). Well, too bad. This list is primarily for the fully bearded fellow. It is a verifiable fact that the rather small goatee sported by the Emissary of the Prophets is relatively easy to grow. As such, it isn’t that great of a loss to shave it free for a night of costumed fun. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that Captain Sisko is one of the coolest damn captains to ever grace the small screen. I mean, Kirk might get all the glory and Picard might get all the quotes… But it was Sisko that helped the Federation win a three front war and still manage to look that epic. Plus, it’s Avery friggen Brooks, you gonna’ tell him he shouldn’t be on this list? Didn’t think so.
Number 5 - Professor Hugo Strange - Batman Comics
He was one of the Dark Knight’s first villains, even if no one remembers. Professor (or Doctor, depending on the writer) Strange first entered the Batman universe by pumping mentally disturbed patients with a Monster Serum and sicking them on a frightened Gotham populace. Regulated to yet another mad scientist of the month, Hugo Strange could have simply slipped into the DC ether like so many other forgotten villains. (Hey Captain Quilt, how’s it going). Yet, if comics teaches us anything, it is that you can’t keep a good wacko down. Strange really came into his own in the 1980s when he resurfaced as a Psychologist. A man so obsessed with Batman and who hid under the cowl that he soon had convinced himself that he was Batman. Going as Hugo Strange is the only time you can wear a Batman costume and not give a care that you’re sporting a full beard and pot belly. Just drool a lot and keep yelling “I AM the Batman”! Totally works.
Number 4 - Brian Blessed - Mongo / The United Kingdom
Gordon’s Alive?! I thought about listing Prince Vultan, Lord Loxley, or Volstagg the Great. Then I realized, why use up so many slots on this list when it is really one single man that personifies all this win. Enter Brian Blessed. Relatively unknown outside of Britain, or Flash Gordon fans by us Yanks, Brian Blessed is a bearded god in his native land. Never without a booming laugh and wicked sharp one-liner, dressing as Brian Blessed grants you a pass to act as wild as you wish. Food dangling from your chin as you tell a witty tale of the night you went bar hopping with a nun and a Great Dane? No worries, you’re Brian Blessed. Other men giving you the stink eye as you bum rush the stage to spank that naughty stripper on the bum for being a bad, bad girl? Ha! Simple fools, you’re Brian Blessed… DIVE!
Number 3 - Zombie Billy Mays - Um… T.V.?
Too soon? Naw, never too soon for a good zombie gag. Simplicity gives way to genius as you combine the basic blue shirt and jeans with some Night of the Living Dead make-up. Walk Shamble around pitching the the many uses of Mighty Putty… “It can repair and hold metal, cloth, wood, leather, and rotting flesh”! Nothing keeps a good pitchman down, and when you drunkenly attack that hipster douche that dressed as the Sham Wow guy, you can totally blame it on the radio waves given off by the Jupiter Jack. Plus, you know what will never get old? Every time someone asks who you are, you can answer with glee “Hi, Undead Billy Mays here for Oxy Clean“!
Number 2 - Alan Moore - The Hidden City of R’lyeh
I tried to write something witty here. Alas, one does not write about Alan Moore without rising the attention and ire of the great bearded one. Dress as Alan Moore at your own risk. Don’t be surprised if a bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky to the ear-drum shattering shouts of “I’m Alan Mooooooore” if you dare mock the great cross-dressing Karaoke master. One little hint should you choose to dress as our dark pulp master, carry a wee duck. Alan Moore can’t bring himself to hurt the wee ducks. Don’t ask.
Number 1 - Pimp Ass Lost Years Era Dr. McCoy - 23rd Century
This site is nothing if not the cliche. Opened and closed with a Star Trek character. Not just any Trek character. Oh no. The greatest, smoothest, and swarthiest character to ever grace the deck plates of the USS Enterprise… The recently drafted Dr. Leonard H. McCoy. Look at that man. Look at the white future suit. Lose yourself in your reflection in the gold medallion. Dream of a century where you could grow a beard as glorious as the good doctor. Really, what need to be said? For one night only you can mix the best of fine the Southern gentleman, disco flava’ fashion, and curmudgeon drunkard. Kirk might get the attention, but only because he brags about it. As all the ladies know, it is Dr. McCoy that gets the real babes. Something about that fluid drawl that makes the ladies swoon. Human, Trill, and everything in between; no one can resist the good doctor. When you go as Lost Era McCoy, for one night only, you too can “have the hands of surgeon”. Oh baby.
See you all at the 1st Annual Stumptown Beard & Mustache Competition!
