When the dead walk the streets, let all the foolish masses run to Costco or Bi-Mart. They might last a few days, before zombies rend their flesh and slurp their brains. You really want to survive the pending zombie apocalypse? Then read on hunter of zombies, survivors of Armageddon!
The Grotto – NE Portland –
Opened in May, 1924, the Grotto (or, The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother as it is officially known) has been a place of peace and quite for generations. Where better could one make their stand against the end of the world but a location that might have God on it’s side! Beyond the beautiful shrines, walking paths, gardens, and potential divine blessing; the Grotto has another feature helpful during the zombie apocalypse. Elevated and defensible position. Like a Gates of Thermopylae, the Grotto only has one non man-made way in. Alas, should the frighteningly resourceful undead still find the symbolic goat path into the sanctuary, you still have one fantastic option to avoid an undead existence. The Grotto is high up. Way high up. Able to jump to your doom high up. Although committing suicide in a Catholic sanctuary is all kinds of ironic. I think. And, even if the dead aren’t walking, the Grotto truly is a wonderful place to visit.
Kelly Butte Civil Defense Center – SE Portland –
Did you know Portland was named as a fall-back city should the dirty Ruskies ever turn Washington D.C. into glass. From 1955 – 1956, the Civil Defense spent countless millions of dollars hollowing out over 18,820 square feet under Kelly Butte. Designed as a fully self-contained city, the Kelly Butte Defense Center had water and air filtration systems, food storage, radio transmitters, and tons of cement walls good for keeping the undead at bay. Then again, it was closed in the late 1990s on account of the obscene amount of cancer causing asbestos in the air. Hey, what do you want? Gotta’ take the bad with the good. Because, cancer is a manly way to go, not all whining like “oh no, I’ve been bitten by zombies… Noooo… Gonna’ eat my kids now, wahaaaa”. Breathe the asbestos, wuss… Okay, in all seriousness, you probably shouldn’t go up there. Imagining a hidden city under the city is all kinds of fantastic, but the government ain’t known for maintaining structural integrity. Good chance you’ll fall in and never be seen again.
The Rose and Thistle – NE Portland –
This one is going to totally read like a plug for a local bar. Oh well. Does the Rose and Thistle (R.A.T.) have the thickest walls? No. Perhaps the R.A.T. has the required one entrance / exit. Not really. Can you smoke in the R.A.T.? Well, not anymore. Then fine, dumb ass Geek boy, why the hell do you want to hold out there? Because, everyone needs a Winchester and to many a Portland Geek the Rose and Thistle is indeed that place. A near limitless supply of Guinness and Scotch Eggs, with many a melee weapon attached to the wall, the R.A.T. is where you’ll find me waiting out the end of the world. Hey, if your ass is doomed anyway, might as well eat and drink till you pass out. And, let us be honest, ain’t none of us Ash or Rick Grimes from Walking Dead. We’re all hosed. Get drunk!
