Stabbin’, Whippin’, and Shootin’…

I’m not talking about your run of the mill monster hunter. Any ‘ol plumber can jump around and kick slow-moving turtles or stomp on fanged mushrooms. We’re talking about real monsters here. The beasts that walk the night. The creatures that stalk your nightmares. The creatures that make you hit the reset button over and over again!

Honorable MentionWanderThe Shadow of the Colossus

Look at that, right out the gate and we’re breaking the rules. Sure, the beasts in The Shadow of the Colossus weren’t all that evil. In fact, the more you think about it, the more you realize there is a good chance little Wander was the true villain. Still, it took some mighty skills to scale some of these beasts and take them down with not but a dagger and that annoying ass horse.

Number 5DanteDevil May Cry

Dante might have rated higher had he not fallen into the most annoying of video game character… Whiny bad ass with mommy issues. Okay, maybe the mommy issues was a bit harsh. But seriously, you sport twin hand cannons, a sword that shoots fire, and every sexy demon babe this side of the Fiend Folio wants to “possess you”, relax brother. Still, no denying that Dante can kick some serious monster butt when he needs to. After properly exfoliation and hair treatment of course.

Number 4AliceAmerican McGee’s Alice

You know all those sexy versions of Lewis Carroll’s character Hot Topic and Alan Moore both seem to enjoy so much? Yeah, this ain’t her. This Alice is broken. This Alice shoved an ax into the Jabberwock’s spiky face. This Alice whacked her family to take a stab at the Queen of Hearts. Okay, this Alice is also totally hot, but only in that sexy drama girl kinda’ way.

Number 3Jill ValentineResident Evil

No one played Chris Redfield on their first attempt at Resident Evil. You know why? Because Chris was yet another meat head in a long line of video game meat heads and gamers were sick of them. Plus, it was kinda’ cool to see a normal looking woman inĀ  video game. I don’t think Lara Croft would have been able to dodge some of them close Hunter calls… Center of gravity all wonky and such. Sure, Jill couldn’t take as much damage as Chris, but all good gamers know the best way to absorb damage was to avoid it all together. Jill was faster. Jill could carry more inventory (read: guns). And, lest we forget her greatest skill… The Master of Unlocking!

Number 2Simon BelmontCastlevania

Quite possibly the oldest on this list, Simon Belmondo (as he was known in the first Castlevania) has been kicking monster butt since the NES hit American shores. Even non gamers know this famous whip-wielding hero of the night. Which is interesting when you consider the fact that Simon Belmont only stars in roughly 20% of the Castlevania franchise. He also has the distinction of being the first non Nintendo owned character to appear on the cover of Nintendo Power Magazine. I know. I still own it. I also still own the note from my pastor telling me that reading said issue in church was not acceptable. Oh sure, sitting around and praying to stop evil was fine, but taking up arms and actively hunting the buggers was inappropriate. Whatever. On a personal note, Simon Belmont can also account for 100% of my facial injuries during a certain night of trick or treating… Little hint from me to you. No amount of training or skill can help you swing a freaking ball and chain without stabbin’ some cheek bones. Also, cloaks get tangled in chains. Don’t ask.

Number 1ArthurGhosts and Goblins

Really thought Simon would be number 1, didn’t you? To be honest, I did too for a while. But you know what? Arthur from Ghosts and Goblins not only fights every manner of classic horror monster, he spends half the time in his damn skivvies. That takes some serious stones. As does designing one of the hardest games in all console history, only to tell you at the very end of the friggen game that you need to start all…over…again! The forced repeat in Ghosts and Goblins was responsible for more pubescent swearing than any 80s action flick or rough game of Frisbee Tron! (Indeed, only the last level of Ninja Gaiden prevents Ghosts and Goblins from being the hardest game ever made. We don’t count Battletoads, that was a glitch in the game that made it unbeatable. Jerks). Through it all, little ‘ol Arthur hopped and skipped his way into the hearts of gamers all over the country. I can’t wait for Marvel vs Capcom 3 to hit, so an all new generation of gamers can grin like dorks when they hear “Da-da-da—Dumm-dumm-dumm-dat-dadum”. You know what I’m talking about.

Wonder if I can pull off the Arthur in his drawers on Halloween. Hm…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.