The general consensus on Louis Leterrier’s remake of “Clash of the Titans” seems to be that the two hours of uninspired, unnecessary sword and sandals wanking doesn’t merit a $10 ticket to your local cinema house. (Listen to the review HERE) The story lags to the point of stagnation and then finds itself resolved all to quickly in a final epileptic battle sequence. Sam Worthington’s performance as Perseus is so bland that he may as well suffered Medusa’s stone curse within film’s opening minutes. Liam Neeson’s Zeus and Ralph Fiennes’ Hades are petty, annoying and their constant monologuing takes away valuable screen time from the menagerie of harpies, scorpions and other creatures that serve as the film’s real characters.
All of these things might be true. But they can all be cleansed by one glorious thing… heavy metal.
Righteous. Fucking. Heavy metal.
To truly experience “Clash of the Titans” in the manner in which I feel the creators (be it intentionally or not) meant it to be seen, you need to replace ALL of the film’s audio with 25 of the most epic, victorious heavy metal songs. To make this task an easy one, I’ve taken the liberty of testing out this theory. What I witnessed in that dark theater was nothing short of legendary. Perseus riding a scorpion across the desert while Iron Maiden played “Where Eagles Dare”. Alestorm warning of the dangers that lie “Over the Seas” while the Kraken devoured Argos. The embattled group of Greek warriors were piped into battle with “To Holmgard and Beyond” by Turisas as they approached Medusa’s lair.
All of these things were amazing to behold, once the film’s soundtrack and dialogue were replaced in their entirety by the following 25 songs…
1. Rainbow – Tarot Woman
2. Iron Maiden – Caught Somewhere in Time
3. Megadeth – Holy Wars… The Punishment Due
4. Korpiklaani – Erämaan Ärjyt [Men of the Wild]
5. Iron Maiden – Where Eagles Dare
6. Alestorm – Leviathan
7. Alestorm – The Quest
8. Alestorm – Over the Seas
9. Monster Magnet – Melt
10. Iron Maiden – Children of the Damned
11. Megadeth – Hangar 18
12. Rhapsody of Fire – Echoes From the Elvish Woods / Fear of the Dungeons
13. Wolfmother – White Unicorn
14. Megadeth – Devil’s Island
15. Turisas – Fields of Gold
16. Black Majesty – Wings to Fly
17. Korpiklaani – Kultanainen [Golden Woman]
18. Moonsorrow – Kylan Passa
19. Rainbow – Stargazer
20. Therion – Son of the Staves of Time
21. Megadeth – The Conjuring
22. Powerman 5000 – When Worlds Collide
23. Monster Magnet – Negasonic Teenage Warhead
24. Turisas – To Holmgard and Beyond
25. Iron Maiden – Flight of the Icarus
Browse through your album collection, consult your favorite online music “reseller,” do whatever it takes to procure the above list of metal. Download them to a portable music device of your choosing, plug in your earbuds and set a random playlist as the lights go down and the opening credits roll. Do this and I guarantee that your experience for the next two hours will a far greater one than that of any other poor serf in the theater. At the film’s end while they are shaking their heads in bewilderment and disgust, you can stand proud and pump your fists in victory, knowing that you drank deep from the chalice of metal.