Four times. That is how many times I tried to write an honest film critic review of McG’s Terminator Salvation. Four times. Four Terminator movies. Connection? I have no idea, but I’m going to blame that little slice of pop culture synchronicity for my lack of a real review. However, your friendly neighborhood Geek doesn’t want to leave you high and dry when it comes to the newest Terminator flick. So, stand back as I summon the rarely used Angry Fanboy (puristus zealoutis) to cover this sucker. (Long-time readers will know this is not a good sign, last time I had Angry Fanboy review a movie, it was Alien vs Predator). See, he is with me at all times, just as he is with every Geek that has a love for genre films. (Regardless of your gender, Angry Fanboy is always a dude, 13, repressed, virgin, and smells like mini-mart corndogs). With that in mind, here we go.
Fanboy, I need you for this one, care to set down that Players Handbook and help me out?
Just a sec, I’ve almost cracked the logarithm that will allow me 2 additional Feats while maintaining my racial bonus, natch!
Fine, fine. Douche. Now, what the hell do you want?
I need help on Terminator Salvation, I can’t find the words to review this sucker.
Sure, where oh where to begin…
Well, give the readers a quick plot recap.
So Skynet nuked the humans because it became self-aware and decided to wipe out humanity. Something we’ve been told inthe first movie, 20 episodes of the Sarah Conner Chronicles, the second movie, countless flipping comics, and the third movie. Oh, but this time, we get Danny Elfman doing his best impersonation of Orbital. Seriously, we get it, Skynet hates us. All robots hate us. Just start the damn movie already.
More than that happens in this movie.
I know, but I don’t really care. I mean, we were totally promised a full on human versus robot wars. All we got was Christian Bale bouncing between pissed off and pouty-face. You know what, if I were Michael Ironside, I would have blown off this John Conner as well. The guy sucks. Follow him as the savior of humanity? Frak that.
What worked in Terminator Salvation?
McG is really good at film crap that explodes. He isn’t at Michael Bay levels of awesome, but the dude had potential. Also, the movie sounds really great. Seriously, whenever the robots slowly turn their heads and go all red-eye squinty at the humans, they sound awesome! Like is Optimus Prime was all constipated and went for one big energon push. Just. Like. That.
Hey, come on now, my family reads this site.
Yeah, well it is my family too and I can promise a couple of them laughed their butts off on that Transformer bowel movement joke. Anyway, all the women in this movie are super hot, even Darla, who clearly survived her relationship with Tyler Durden and went into bio-mechanics; or something.
So the film has strong female characters?
Who said strong? I said hot! The Moonblood chick, oh man, she must have humanities’ last supply of teeth whitening product because them choppers were shiny. T-1000 style shiny. In fact, the more I think about it, I bet she could have bitten Skynet into defeat. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. I also dug the part where Devastator takes all the Rebels from Thunderdome and sticks them into the Borg assimilation chamber. That was dope as hell.
You do realize you’re just tossing out random movie references now?
Uh-huh, gonna’ talk about this stinker the same way McG made it. That big ‘ol robot we all went nuts over in the trailer? Yeah, just keep watching that trailer. And yes, it does turn into a Transformer and merges into other giant robots that take humans and do, well, don’t know what they do with them because that part never gets explained. Which is totally shocking because everything else in this movie is explained. In horrible, tedious, pedantic, mind-numbingly boring detail.
Anything else good in the movie.
Sure, were Terminator Salvation a comedy.
Dude, by the time Arnold shows up (oh, spoilers lol), the audience isn’t cheering or clapping. We are laughing our butts off because nothing in this movie was any good. I was rooting for Skynet. I kept hoping they would plug either John Conner or Kyle Reese. Speaking of which, for an all-knowing, all-powerful global computer system, Skynet is flipping stupid. Hey, big friggen robots, you got John’s future dad in your Matrix pin. Kill him. You aren’t a James Bond villain, just kill him! I don’t care how. I just want this movie to be over. Gah!
So, you’re saying folks should…
And another thing. How in the name of Crom does John Conner talk to the whole friggen planet with his busted ass Radio Shack walkie-talkie? I mean, I can’t even get me a decent convey conversation going without static but John Conner can send plans to every freaking corner of the globe. Maybe he uses the same Morse Code lines as Bill Pullman in Independence Day (a far better film, just FYI). Also, how the hell can Skynet construct mini nuclear reactors to power the Terminators, but still rely on steam to actually build said killing robots? And, when Skynet does one day decide to kill us all, I know we will prevail because the stupid system sets up shop in the only remaining building on the West Coast; and only uses one or two robots to defend a said building.
But what about…
Also, I can’t get my camera to sync with my computer without downloading four or five patches, you gonna’ tell me a 20 year old cell phone can just plug on it to Cy-Kill and let John Conner go all vroom-vroom into the belly of the beast? Maybe Skynet makes Install Wizard standard on all killing machines. In fact, this rational makes sense since the “Blue Screen of Death” is the human races’ master plan for survival.
Finally, while I’m giving advice to any would-be robot overloads… Give your nigh unstoppable robots the ability to run! ARGH!
Now if you’ll excuse me, my 6th level Warlock ain’t gonna’ power grind himself. Fanboy out!
Um, thanks Angry Fanboy.
Die in a fire./
While I may not agree with Angry Fanboy’s sentiment, I gotta’ say he pretty much nailed this flick on content.
Just go watch Star Trek again.