…a 2008 Geek Christmas List, I ran across this fantastic riff on ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas from the freaky talented Prof. Challenger (via AICN). Really, no amount of DC Comics commentary from this site can match the good Professors poetic gold!
‘Twas the night before CRISIS
When all through the multiverse
Dan Didio’s hand reached for your purse.
The lies were all spun by marketing with care,
In hopes that great profit soon would be there.
The middle-aged knuckle-draggers were hunkered in front of their Dells.
Watching nude visions of Power Girl with strategically placed bells.
And wife with her eyerolling and I with my cash
Had just settled down for a continuity bash.
When right out of the gate confusion set in,
I ran to the computer to see what was the matter.
Away to the internet I flew like the Flash,
First Lying in the Gutters, and then headquarters of @$$.
The distraction of the breasts of the pop-up ad girl
Just fed into the problem of my own A.D.D….now where was I?
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an insulting and increasingly late series by one insane writer and a round of beer,
With a bald, mustachioed EIC, so power drunk and so sick;
I knew in a moment he might be a dick.
More vapid than Britney his cogs they came.
And he meddled and dangled cash while he called them by name;
“Now, Morrison! Now Ross! Now Robinson and Johns! Move On, Dixon! Move on Kitson! Move On, Shooter and Waid!
You first four stay here and do what I want, by gosh!
But, dash away dammit! You last four get lost!
Like a La Brea mammoth in the tarpit sinking,
Or course J.G. couldn’t meet deadlines, what the hell was he thinking?
So out to the stores the increasingly late sack of monkeyshit flew
With tie-ins galore and R.I.P. too.
And what the hell’s up with that Japanese team?
Kirby’s Fourth World replaced by a bad dream?
As they drew a head,
With a mohawk and pinched expression,
Downward I spiraled into utter depression.
And then the finale of R.I.P. was just a ploy not funny
With an ending yet to come,
I wondered just how big of dumbasses us fans have become,
To support such blatant manipulation with our hard earned money.
Wait for the trade
Had once been the mantra you see,
But now even that format
Can deliver a complete story.
Didio’s eyes how they twinkled! His moustache so hairy!
His beer glass half empty, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth could speak out of both sides at once,
And present an illusion of planning but every friggin’ time punts.
FINAL CRISIS ties in to R.I.P. which leads into
BLACKEST NIGHT which springboards into SECRET ORIGIN which prompts a BATTLE FOR THE COWL.
FOURTH WORLD begets FIFTH WORLD which returns to the THIRD WORLD and into the DREAM WORLD and infringes upon DISNEY WORLD,
It’s amazing what peyote can do.
He spoke many words, but contradicted himself always because it’s his work,
And filled all the press releases with half-truths and lies revealing himself to be a jerk.
So flipping his middle finger to us, he gave a nod
And somehow held on to his job.
He sprang back to the bar and called together his team,
And they planned and they plotted the next money-making scheme.
But I heard him exclaim as he stumbled into the night,
“FINAL CRISIS was just a precursor to more and if you don’t like it you can just SUCK IT!”
Well said sir, very well said!