Hey Grant, It Ain’t 1996 and the Invisibles Were Overrated!

Okay, remember a month or so back when I attempted to toss Grant Morrison a solid and justify Batman R.I.P.? Go ahead and re-read that article. Actually, don’t. Why? Because, all my article will do is get your hopes up that perhaps Grant had something in mind. Something that resembled a good Batman story. Unlike R.I.P., a book is that is Grant Morrison’s version of Countdown to Final Crisis! You know, that other cluster-f that peyote-trashed Scotsman is writing. Grant, WTF?Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be so upset over an imaginary character. Well too bad. I grew up reading Batman. I still read Batman. An honest to God “goal in life” is to write for Batman. However, for the first time in my life I’m thinking about not reading Batman and will do so until DC has a serious change of guard.

Look, I get that every writer wants to put his or her mark on an icon. I know I do. I know I’ve got all kinds of Dark Knight Detective stories that will leave readers breathless, at least in my mind. When I started Batman R.I.P., I thought Grant was right there with me. Sure, the story was a tad out there, but this is also the guy that wrote about the Hand of Glory and a team of mystical time travelers taking on the shadows of our own mind. So, when he delved into Bruce Wayne / Batman’s psyche, I was cool with it. That is some fertile ground to plow.

Except readers didn’t get that. We got a bunch of “I’m Thomas Wayne and your mom boned Alfred, so I totally hired Joe Chill to whack you both. But, lol, he blew it and it took me 20 years to get my revenge…son”.

No, you’re not.

Yes I am.

No, you’re not.

Yes I am.

No, you’re not and I’m an alien Batman

What? Okay, then I’m not, but you totally killed your parents, Bruce.

No I didn’t.

Yes you did.

No I didn’t.

Yes you did.

No I didn’t.

Yes you did.

No I….I’m that BATMAN OF ZUR-EN-ARGH!!!!! BEHOLD MY IMAGINARY BAT-MITE!

You are so nuts

Not listening…Naw, naw, naw, naw-Nah-nah-nah-nah-BAT-MITE!

Oh snap, Joker slit his tongue, Bruce banged a hot model but she’s evil, D’oh. (Yea, because NO WRITER has ever given Bruce Wayne a sweet piece of tail that turns out to stab him in the back).

This article making any sense? Good, try to be the poor schlep that dropped a grand total of $45.00 on this whole series.

So, what will snip out of this steaming pile of Clayface feces? Not a damn thing! See, we have to read how Final Crisis ends. The smart money is on Commissioner Gordon having a beer and cheating on his wife.

Yes, I just ended this article with a 10-year-old internet forum joke. Deal.

Still, this article is better than anything DC is putting out right now not written by Gail Simone, Greg Rucka, or Geoff Johns… and maybe Peter Tomasi.

Frak.

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