Hey, FYI, must of us are going to die tomorrow when some scientists create a Black Hole at 12:30am Pacific Time. No, really, most of you are doomed to have your body ripped apart at the subatomic level faster than a stream-crossing paranormal investigator and eliminator. Fine, don’t believe me. But, while your getting all obliterated into absolute nothingness, I’m gonna’ be sitting back, laughing my ass off while earning 20%.
However, if you too would like to live large after the temporal apocalypse, read on and learn what films will teach you important life lessons…
Honorable Mention: The Gate (1987) – This movie has one of the most righteous posters of all time. Seriously, this is something I expect on the cover of The Ruins of Undermountain Level 666! (Speaking of which, why didn’t they ever list Level 666. Come on D&D, if you’re gonna’ get called evil, go for broke). Anyway, this classic 80s film from Canada, you learn the portal to hell is in your back yard if you dig up a tree; you get what’s coming to ya’! The only redeeming factor in The Gate is the Ray Harryhausen style stop-motion demons. Sadly, you won’t learn any lessons for surviving the coming entropic apocalypse.
Number 5: Evil Dead 2 (1987) – I know, shocking that I would put the greatest film ever made at the weak #5 position. However, for all the stunningly awesome that is Evil Dead 2, it doesn’t do much to prepare one’s self for a big-ass hole in space / time. Then again, when can’t one take life-lessons from Ash? I for one never leave the house with a shotgun and chainsaw…and a prosthetic chin. (I mean, the good Lord broke the mold when he created “The Man”).
Number 4: Dungeons and Dragons (1983-1985) – Okay, so not really a movie. Still, one can learn many life-lessons from those youths as they traveled on the D&D Coaster and entered that magical realm. What lessons? One must remember that your clothing and social standing determines your Class in the world of D&D. With that in mind, dress accordingly tomorrow. (I’m shooting for a Ranger with slots in Two-Handed fighting and a specialization in Lightsaber).
Number 3: The Black Hole (1979) – Ah, this is a little more like it. Here we have an honest to goodness temporal vortex. And, it has these cute as a button floating robots that talk like a Frontierland Tour Guide! (Except the terrifying Maximillian, I mean, what the hell was Disney thinking. Good Lord, that red beast still gives me the willies). How can this movie help you? Dammit, it can’t either. Okay, it is clear that when those scientists turn that Collider on, we’re just screwed. So, just enjoy the fact that the nihilistic death we’re all about to experience is no where near as bad as the final two films on this list.
Number 2: The Mist (2007) – When that air raid siren kicks in, you can pretty much consider your ass a goner. You’re only real choice is how you want to go out. You can take the easy (although possibly cowardly) way out, simply suck on a barrel and pull the trigger. Or, you can go out like a man and face the spiked tendril from the human-faced spiders conjured from the greatest depths of abyss and gazing about that which man was not meant to know! Hand me the gun! If I’m gonna’ be eviscerated by vile beasts, I don’t want to feel it!
Number 1: Event Horizon (1997) – You all laugh at me. You all taunt me for liking this film. Ha! Who’s laughing now? Me that is who! Tomorrow, when we’re all sucked into a hell dimension; you’ll get the full on eyeball-CENSORED and I’m gonna’ be the one joining with our infernal overlords! So there!
Thus ends the weakest Top-5 in Geek in the City history. I feel such shame. I should gouge out my eyes…