Paul W S Anderson and I have a strange relationship. We both know that deep down; he is a crappy director and an even worse writer. Then again, Anderson reminds me that he makes a living making movies and I do not. I then remind him that he willing made Mortal Kombat: Armageddon without the genius that is Christopher Lambert. After that, we both call truce, go watch Event Horizon, and laugh at the eye-humping scene with Yakkity Sax in the background… Followed by a hearty high-five and scream “DUDE”! Sadly, ever since he made that genius of a film, his work has only gone down. Though he does get to bang Milla Jovovich, and I’m willing to bet my VHS copy of Soldier he and Milla totally had a three-way with the chick from Girl Fight. Seriously, you listen to that Resident Evil commentary. They totally hit that. (Please to draw your own conclusions as to why that thought entered my mind…Then again, maybe not). Anyway, using my personal connection to Paul WS Anderson, I had a chance to sit down with the man and talk about his newest opus, Deathrace!*
Oh, and mom, since I know you read this site now. I’d stop. It gets ugly and profane from here… I wouldn’t want to sully the image of your innocent little mijo! **
GitC – Hey Paul, long time no see good sir!
PWSA – Same here mate, dude, what is up with the shiny dome? You got cancer or something?
GitC – Why you gotta’ go straight to the cancer questions? Always with the cancer! Can’t a brother change his style without having a life-threatening illness?
PWSA – Chill man, I’m just giving you chaff. But really, what is up with the baldness?
GitC – Trying to be a “before” image for Vin Diesel, you know, in case he ever does XXX: The Next Generation.
PWSA – Why Vin Diesel? You know, that gravelly shite-biter totally pulled my arse off of Spy Hunter?
GitC – What? That shit was gonna’ be your House of the Dead, Vin can suck it!
PWSA – I know, for real!
GitC & PWSA – HELLS YES!
GitC – Speaking of sucking it, you gotta’ drop me the truth of Milla. Come on man, what she like in the…
PWSA – Dammit lard ass, we agreed we wouldn’t talk about her.
GitC – Yea, that’s all I need to know. Cha-Ching!
PWSA – Lets not go down that path my friend. Not yet. Can we get to talking about my newest slice of totally fucking badass awesomeness… Deathrace, Cocksucker!
GitC – I thought it was just Deathrace?
PWSA – Not in this gifted ass mind son… This is a modern fucking Deathrace. This is a V8 stomping Deathrace. This is Deathrace for all my Eye-Humping peeps. This is Deathrace, Cocksucker!
GitC – Dope
EDITORS NOTE – You can’t see, cause this is text, but we totally gave pounds.
PWSA – Seriously, I’m very proud of this reimagining of the classic b movie, Deathrace 2000. Like the predecessor, our Deathrace not only entertains the masses with cutting edge filmmaking technology and car stunts; but it also points a mirror on society and asks us questions we may not be comfortable asking.
GitC – Um, uh-huh.
PWSA – Truly, Deathrace asks if we, as a society, have become so shallow and vulgar that watching the death and suffering of others (even if the lowest of the low) makes us feel better.
EDITORS NOTE – At this, Paul stands and slowly walks toward his desk. Arms folded neatly behind him, in deep thought.
PWSA – It takes a film like Deathrace. A film that isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions of the audience. A film that makes you think if we’re heading towards…
GitC – Come on! That is the same tired ass argument behind The Running Man!
PWSA – Fuck yea it was! I just shot this sucker to look at hot chicks in belly shirts and explode some fuckers in the camera! I mean, watch this shit… Watch how far the blood spray when I blow off the head that nasty ass Mexican!
GitC – Dude, remember who you’re speaking to!? You know, Mexican!
PWSA – Heh, my bad… Watch how far the blood sprays when I blow off the cabesa of the nasty Hispanic?!
GitC – Hells yes I did, you even played back again in slow motion. That was harsh. Oh, and Hispanic is not the correct nomenclature. We prefer the term nasty Latino.
PWSA – Consider me noted good sir. Nevertheless, that kill was so righteous! I am so glad I got that computer nerd to add some digital gore. Make-up is for sucks!
GitC – Well, I don’t know about that. I think people that dig flicks like Deathrace love the practical gore effects.
PWSA – These are the same people that keep giving money to the Epic Movie idiots…And this is coming from Paul WS Anderson!
GitC – Not true, we Geeks know the difference between high quality cheese and moldy government tripe.
PWSA – I thought your people liked tripe.
GitC – Don’t change the subject, I’m talking about digital gore being terrible when compared to fine practical effects from skilled effects artists.
PWSA – Whatever, you don’t know movies. I’m Paul WS Anderson, I know movies!
GitC – “I’m Paul WS Anderson… I know movies… I bang Le Loo… I wish critics stopped calling me the shitty Anderson…I wish”…
PWSA – You slimy bugger. You just had to go there, didn’t you? You just had to bring in that Emo-Director. Summa’bitch, it is go time. You. Me. And my rage!
EDITORS NOTE – Things got a little fuzzy for a few minutes. I remember some spinning flying-wheel kicks, shouts of “get over here”, and one or two of that lightning shout thingy Raiden does… But no one can actually type it, ?cause the written word can’t contain such awesomeness.
GitC – Truce! Truce! I take it back. Getting angry because critics like the other Anderson just isn’t worth it. Remember, whose flicks are in constant rotation on TBS?
PWSA – The WS Anderson my man! I am the world’s wanker!
GitC – That a compliment?
PWSA – It is when Paul WS Anderson says it is! Ah yea.
GitC – Okay, we’re here to talk about Deathrace. Why did you choose to cast Jason Statham as the lead character, Frankenstein?
PWSA – Hey, spoilers lol!
GitC – Dude, this is one of your movies. You made a PG-13 Alien vs. Predator movie. Anyone really expecting any M. Night style twists?
PWSA – Fair enough. Well, I cast Jason because he played Handsome Rob in that other remake, I doubt I need to remind you that Handsome Rob was both handsome and the driver. Felt like a no-brainer to me. Oh, and he has an accent as well.
GitC – Man, it would have rocked if you’d landed Seth Green in Deathrace.
PWSA – Don’t I know it. Turns out, he’d rather play with toys than be in one of my movies. Me. Paul WS Anderson.
GitC – Robot Chicken is pretty funny… Maybe they’ll do an Alien and Predator episode.
PWSA – Only if I get to play the Alien Queen… Hiiiissshhh…RAWR!
GitC – Nailed it!
PWSA – You know it!
PWSA – We did get the hard ass from Deadwood. That guy is harsh. He’s like white Edward James Olmos. Could you image Ian McShane commanding the Galactica? Dope!
GitC – Dude, I don’t know. Edward James Olmos is the man, and no one works the grit like ?ol Adama… Except for Sam Elliot, but he’s transcended mortal man. He’s like Elvis.
PWSA – Or Kurt Russell in Soldier.
GitC – What?
PWSA – What?
GitC – Did you get to drive any of the sweet cars in Deathrace?
PWSA – No, well, I got to sit in a couple of them making “pew-pew” sounds… Damn, I should have dropped a Greenscreen. I could have landed me some serious tail with that footage.
GitC – What, you telling me Paul WS Anderson didn’t get any set poon?
PWSA – Nah, I was too busy trying to convince Tyrse to star in Castlevania.
GitC – As what?
PWSA – Who else, Simon Belmont!
GitC – Wait, I hate to be this guy, but Simon is white. Like full on pasty Eastern European type white.
PWSA – Oh, look who whips out the race card now? Heh, see how I worked in whip when talking about Castlevania? That is how awesome Paul WS Anderson is!
GitC – No, I’m just saying, Simon Belmont is a white dude. Plus, Castlevania takes place in like 1300 AD or something. Nothing but Anglos walking around Europe back then.
PWSA – You seriously using anthropology to explain your narrow view of Castlevania? Besides, this is gonna’ be a Paul WS Anderson interpretation of Castlevania…
GitC – Do I dare ask?
PWSA – Castlevania 3000 son! Yea! Laser Whips. A cyborg Dracula. And, robot succubae that give the Anderson his succubus! Damn, look at me go… I am a word fucking master!
GitC – Indeed you are, and Tyrse would totally work as an awesome futuristic Simon Belmont.
PWSA – Yup, plus we’ll get Jack Black as the weird pirate from Castlevania III and Jessica Alba as the Emo Alucard from Symphony of the Night.
GitC – That was a dude.
PWSA – Ahem, I am…
GitC – Paul WS Anderson
PWSA – Right. Alucard is now a chick… A sexy chick…
GitC – Sexy vampire chick…in the future.
PWSA – Now you’re riding the WS train!
GitC – Speaking of videogames and Deathrace, why the hell did you include power-ups…Mario Kart style?
PWSA – Well, I figured my target demographic digs video games. I dig videogames. No brainer on that one. Plus, you know, its cool!
GitC – Yea, but I kept expecting triple-turtle shells spinning around Jason’s Mustang.
PWSA – Dude, I totally tried to work that, but stupid Universal put the kibosh on that one. At least I got to steal Spy Hunter’s thunder! Ha, try and make your stupid car race movie now… Paul WS Anderson with the Epic Win!
GitC – Still, that is too bad, I might have liked the movie more if you just went all out with the video game shtick.
PWSA – What? You didn’t groove on my newest flick?
GitC – Come on man, you know I only dig Event Horizon and even then, I have to be hammered.
PWSA – I shoot the same way.
GitC – Dope.
PWSA – I guess you’re right. My movies do suck. But, you know what… Chumps keep giving me money to make more movies.
GitC – Damn son, you’re like Uwe Boll’s pimp hand!
PWSA – Pimping ain’t easy, but it sure is fun.
GitC – True. True.
With that, Paul and I did another fist pump and had a solid dude hug and went out separate ways.
What? Did you honestly expect a serious review about a Paul WS Anderson movie? Please. It’s a remake of a Roger Corman movie. How could it not suck.
*Geek in the City legal would like to point out that in no way did Aaron Duran actually interview Paul WS Anderson. This “review” is simply a result of too little sleep and far too much coffee.
** Yes, I know “mijo” means “my son”, give me a break.