The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor – Spoiler Filled Quasi Review!

Before I delve into this quasi review for the third Mummy film, I should probably say a few things, so you may judge my rant accordingly. Thing the first, I have a strange fanboy love for Brendan Frasier. Don’t know why, but I just can’t make myself hate the guy, shoot, I think I really dig him. He can do drama, as seen in Of Gods and Monsters. And, he can play the slapstick, as shown in George of the Jungle. (I’m not helping my argument, am I)? Suffice to say, I’ve never hated any movie starring Brendan. (Except for Encino Man, I know, it doesn’t make any sense).

Next, I adore both Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh. Michelle faired slightly better in American cinema, while Jet got abused worse than Chow Yun Fat. No matter how small, the thought of watching these two masters of the cinema together in one movie gets my Geek blood boiling. (Also, is there any other woman besides Carla Gugino that grows more and more beautiful with age than Michelle Yeoh? I. Think. Not.).

Finally, I am the biggest sucker for over the top 1930s – 40s style pulp action. Give me a two-fisted hero packing some Colt Peacemakers, a dame that throws a solid punch, a goofy sidekick, and big bad magical curses and I am a happy frakking Geek! I mean, I actually sat through The Librarian and got excited when I heard about the sequel. Non-ironically I might ad.

Since I just shot all kinds of holes in my shield ?o Geek cred, I might as well swing the killing blow… That way you’ll know if you want to keep reading…

The Mummy 3 is better than Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Yea, come on and bring your hate. I can take it!

Wait, before you bring the hate, I’ve read many a review for this film and must fire off a stupid science rebuttal to the “no Mummies in the Mummy” crap…

Look, any dead body that gets some form of preservation is an F’ing mummy! You don’t have to live next to the Nile River and be wrapped in a cheese clothe to be a Mummy. So yes, Jet Li’s terracotta covered flesh was indeed a mummy! (As are the ones in Peru, creepy Scottish bog mummies, and those frozen cave men in Russia). Come on people, you don’t see me getting pissed off at Star Trek because they don’t actually take treks in stars do you? No, cause that would kill you dead…Unless you had a phasing cloaking device, but that is untested technology and was banned by the 3rd Khitomer Peace Accords, suckas!

Damn, a page long and I haven’t even reviewed this movie. Fine, let me give the quick review and get back to my tedious rant.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is a loud, fast, semi-stupid, clich?d, one-liner filled pulp adventure that I had a good time watching. If you love those old Republic Serials and don’t need your two-fisted adventure to have some message or other post-modern plotting, you’ll dig it as well. I mean, come on! This flick has the undead fighting the undead, Yeti’s kicking bad guys into a mountain, sexy ladies fighting and flinging sticks of dynamite, and more cheesy one-liners in 20 minutes than all of Commando, Raw Deal, and The Running Man combined. (And yes, those are all compliments, ya’ cynical bastards).

I could go into the plot, but what do you really need to know about a Mummy movie? Ancient evil awakens. The O’Connell’s step in. Evil has plans to dominate the world. Heroes use big guns and have magical friends. Evil fights back, all is lost. Heroes win with gun, knife, and fist. Roll credits sirs!

I will allow my more serious film critic to step in for a minute and talk about how this movie was more fun than Crystal Skull: The action scenes. Yes, director Rob Cohen uses the handheld shaky camera style a bit too much. However, when he locks down the camera a bit and allows the stunt coordinator from Raiders of the Lost Ark to run the scene, it works. It works very well. It works so well, that during the fantastic car / undead cart chase through the streets of Shanghai, you’ll be asking yourself, “Damn, this chase feels very familiar”. Once you realize who planned the chase, you’ll know exactly why it works so well. While CGI gets some heavy use in this film, many of the fights feel like real actors took their licks. (Or, at least real stuntmen and women). So, even if you find yourself rolling your eyes at massive leaps in logic or the cheesy one-liners, you’ll have fun once the bullets and fists start flying.

Yes, there are cheesy one-liners, but in the world of The Mummy, I kinda’ expect and want them.

Sure, Rick O’Connell and his son are identical characters. Fine with me, this is a pulp story; they never have deep character growth. (Okay, so maybe Indiana Jones had a character arc through the three films, but The Mummy ain’t trying to be Indy. Um, until part four at least).

At least The Mummy 3 tried to incorporate actual historical elements, if even by the absolute thinnest of ideas. I mean, how do we know all those terracotta soldiers aren’t undead troops just waiting for Jet Li to rise from the non-dead and conquer the world? Know I what do sure as hell know? Glass sculptures of Calista Flockhart didn’t land on Earth millennia past, waiting for evil Russians to put their heads back on.

Maria Bello was just fine as the stand in for Rachel Weisz. Look, she isn’t the deepest character in cinema, so when she delivers her lines with an extremely drawn out and fake accent, fine. Besides, Mrs. O’Connell is supposed to be one of those Mrs. Hathaway “dawwwwling” style characters. Then again, I might be giving a layer to a rather poor English accent. Oh well, I dug her.

Finally, to people that wonder why Michelle Yeoh just didn’t use her powers to bring her dead lover general back to life. (Wait, spoilers…lol)… Anyway, to critics that wonder of such things, the movie never once said she could bring him back looking all non-decayed and limbless. I mean, they say love conquers all and such, but come on, there are limits to everyone. Course, I bet she could have taken his chalky corpse and drop him in that fountain of youth and bring him back, Ra’s Al Ghul style. Well crap, there goes that argument.

Oh well. Screw it. I had fun at The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I never once looked at my cell phone wondering how much more of this film I needed to endure.

I did it twice with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Thus endith the most illogical and childish review ever on Geek in the City.

Yea, I don’t know how I won either.

So there. Natch!