Only three short weeks after signing up for the William Shatner DVD club, my glorious first installment arrived. Like Ralphy tearing into his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring package, I tore into my shoddily wrapped envelope. (Taking care not to ruin Bill’s glowing galactic mug in the process). My initial impressions are not that great. The discs are only protected by a thin layer of reinforced cardboard; in the hands of a lesser mail carrier surely they would be damaged. Thankfully, your friendly neighborhood Geek has a kindly Newman who takes care of the post. Plus, at only $4 a month, I really shouldn’t complain. My take for the month? Well, Mr. Shatner has decided that my first month will be dedicated to werewolves, and, I get a bonus disc! Sweet. Anyway, my first shipment includes the 2000 horror indie hit, Ginger Snaps. As the bonus I receive the lesser known and completely terrible Wolves of Wall Street.
After watching both films, I sat down with Bill and asked him what he thought of these first two discs:
The Shat: First, let me thank you for joining the William Shatner DVD of the month club, the only club for the discerning film and William Shatner fan.
GitC: Think nothing of it Mr. Shatner, at only-
The Shat: Call me Bill, my friends call me Bill.
GitC: Okay, Bill. As I was saying, at only $4 dollars a month, this is quite the deal. I can even forgive the shoddy cardboard stock the DVDs arrive in.
The Shat: Well, those are US Dollars. They just don’t go as far as they used to.
GitC: As opposed to the Canadian Dollar, Bill?
The Shat: Touch? my good man, touch?. Anyway, the films-
GitC: Yes, my first official movie is the well received small budget horror film, Ginger Snaps. Now, I have to cry foul on this one Bill… This flick is a few years old now and any horror fan worth their wolves bane has already seen this movie as well as its two sequels. Plus, I think you picked this film because it was shot in Canada. Little national bias there, Bill?
The Shat: Perhaps a little. With only myself and Alannis having any career out of the Great White North, I wanted to throw my fellow Maple Leafs some love.
GitC: Fine, I can respect that. However, sending people a five-year-old flick is not a good way to start a “cutting edge” sci-fi / horror movie service. So, with that in mind, I am going to talk with you about the bonus flick you decided to infect upon my DVD player. The painfully awful, Wolves of Wall Street. Dude, Bill, this stinks worse than your twin brother’s performance in Kingdom of the Spiders!
The Shat: Um, I don’t have a twin. I played both parts.
GitC: Really? Damn, you rock Bill!
The Shat: Call me Mr. Shatner.
GitC: Ah, okay… Mr. Shatner. Well, the Wolves of Wall Street, where do I start? Let’s go with the premise. A pack of werewolves run the most successful brokerage firm on Wall Street. While a little contrived and tired, I could see how it could work in the hands of a good writer, cast, and director-
The Shat: My thought exactly, you see the point of the William Shatner DVD club is-
GitC:Unfortunately, Wolves of Wall Street lacks all the above. Hell, your lead is so bad even Kevin Smith wouldn’t take him. The only decent performance comes from the hot redhead, Elisa Donovan, whose biggest gig was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. (Although I also feel she carried 1997’s Justice League of America, but that’s beside the point).
The Shat: Everyone struggles with their early films, as I recall, your stuff hasn’t even seen the light of day.
GitC: This isn’t about me Bill, Mr. Shatner. Besides, I haven’t charged anyone for my crap. Look, I am as forgiving on horror films as the next fanboy. But damn, if you are going to shoot a movie about werewolves make sure your budget has the money for friggen werewolves!
The Shat: Wait? Wait?! There weren’t any werewolves in this movie? A movie called Wolves of Wall Street lacked any form of lupine.
GitC: No, not a one. Hell, not only that, there wasn’t even an overtly hairy dude in the movie. Hell, these “werewolves” looked like they have just come from an Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot. Complete with skin-tight black boxer briefs. Hell, Ginger Snaps, which features a totally hot chick, got with the hairy skin! Shameful Mr. Shatner, shameful.
The Shat: I am sorry you had to endure such a film, truly. Well, was it at least funny bad?
GitC: No, I can’t even turn the movie into a bad horror movie drinking night. Wolves of Wall Street is just bad… In fact, I think I have to give this movie the first ever Geek in the City Natural 1 roll!
The Shat: Oh, ouch, that’s harsh. Wait, that is harsh, isn’t it?
GitC: Yes, yes it is. That is stab yourself in the junk kind of harsh. Listen Mr. Shatner, I know you want me to enjoy these movies and I know you are trying to make some coin in the process. I can respect that, I really can. I can even ignore the occasional stinker as long as it is one that has a few redeeming qualities. (Like some nakedness, or cool locations or a rocking soundtrack…anything). However, please, think of your fans before you send out the next DVD.
The Shat: I will, and thank you for pointing out these terrible mistakes. Those involved will be punished. Except me, of course, I’m William Shatner.
GitC: It is the least I can do Mr. Shatner.
The Shat: Call me Bill.
GitC: Thanks Bill. See you next month.