Honestly, I was going to do one of those wanking “look back and remember” bits, but those are lame. Thankfully, Agent X saved you all from that. (Although it should go without saying, Agent X is not his real name, but you, can’t give away names and all that). So, I’m sitting in a dangerously comfy chair in the Grand Jury Room. While I appreciate the comfort of said chair, it might be a mistake to keep me so comfy when the lights are in a constant state of twilight and the room is kept at a cozy 71 degrees. People, take comfort in knowing that I am often asleep when I approve that someone can go to trial. It’s kinda’ like how I felt when I learned that a certain friend who served in a certain Navy used to fix a certain missile with a certain roll of Duct Tape!
Anyway, a DA comes in and talks about this case, she tells us that we will soon be hearing testimony from a new agent who has been working on the case. I nod like I actually knew what she was talking about and then straighten up in my comfy chair. In he walks. She wasn’t kidding, this Agent couldn’t be more then 22, which is technically the same decade as me, but like I’ve mentioned before, I judge age in gamer years. He sits and begins to explain what he is investigating. I do my best to pay attention when it hits me. I’ve seen this guy before… Now, Portland may be a good sized city, but it is still small enough that if you spend a good amount of time downtown you will begin to remember faces. As I began my career as the Geek in the City when I worked for…well…The City, it stands to reason that I’ve seen him before. That wasn’t it though. I’d seen him somewhere else. And, not only did I recognize him, his voice also rang a bell in my mind. (No, really, it did, my mind works a lot like a cartoon, when I get an idea I actually see a light bulb and hear a DING…So sad). Then it hit me, I remembered where I’d seen him before.
We had talked about painting miniatures at the game store!
Holy crap! Not only am I so dorky that I talk about painting gaming miniatures, but I will do it with anyone who wishes to listen!
This Agent X was a dice tosser, and as I remembered more of the conversation we had, he was also a two fisted Dungeon Masta’ of the hardest kind! (yea). This discovery made me pay more attention. He was one of my own, I had to give him respect. Then, something else hit me. This quiet gaming Agent had risen to a position of power and authority. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but this was impressive to me. Believe it or not, your friendly neighborhood Geek almost worked for the man as a G-Man. I know how hard it is to get a job at the agency that Agent X worked for. He was the exception that disproves the rule that gamers are nerdy idiots who sit around a table and make-believe. Okay, so maybe we are a little nerdy and we DO sit around a table make-believing. However, it should be noted that many gamers are very intelligent. More so then the straights would think. It takes some serious brains to come up with these game ideas. It also takes real people skills to keep a game running smooth without angering your friends. (Serisouly). As Agent X continued my mind began to drift, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone who knows me. In fact, those who do know me find it shocking that I am able to sit still long enough to write these things. (I should apologize for all the tangents today, been reading too much Lloyd Kaufman and listening to too much Emerson, it must be contagious)…
With my mind wandering I started to wonder what Agent X was like as a DM. I had a feeling he wasn’t the soft spoken man I saw before me. I had this image of a trash talking DM who would threaten to imprison unruly gamers under the Patriot Act the next time someone talked out of turn or shot the head villain as he gave his denumount. How cool would that be?
G-Man DM: Darth Guapo stands before you, his laughter ringing through the filth encrusted walls of his dark domain…”Wonderful, your deaths will entertain me for millen”…
Punk Ass PC: Screw this Lich… I cast Disintegrate!
G-Man DM: Would it kill you to let me finish my…
Smart Ass PC: Yea…I charge… I use my Undead Bane Blade +30!
G-Man DM: Wait! We can roll initiative as soon as Guapo gives his…
Punk Ass PC: Hell no, we want a surprise round on this dude, it’s frag time.
G-Man DM: Listen bitches, I will plug each and every one of you and NO ONE will question me… You’ll all find yourselves permanently dressed in orange in Cuba!
Smart Ass PC: Dude, stop acting like The Man… Just roll.
G-Man DM: “Acting like the man”. Punk…I AM THE MAN!
Group laughs and continues…Agent X proceeds to smite the group with El Guapo the evil El Lich-o…
Then I had this other great image of Agent X getting to fulfill the dream of all Geeks. He gets to put the dude who CONSTANTLY taunted him during high school in the slammer. It fills me with geeky glee to picture this glory days long gone jock getting locked away. Agent X stands on the other side of the bars. He straightens his tie, shifts his gun on his belt. He remembers the time his face was slammed into the locker for carrying a sack of polyhedron dice. He looks at the pathetic dude in jail, grins, and walks away… Man with no name style.
Okay, so that will probably NEVER happen, but I can dream can’t I?
Yea…That’s about it today…What? You thought this was going to have a point?
Until next time… March 4th is GM day…feel free to e-mail me for my wish list