It wasn’t pretty yesterday. There were bits of monster slayers all over the place. Sadly, we watched as Peter Cushing was run through with a crucifix sword. Sarah Michelle Gellar was beaten to a bloody pulp by the Mormon with the most’est. Hugh Jackman wished he really had a mutant healing factor when Blade (with the help of a grizzled old man) was blown to bits. Finally, the Ghostbusters were sucked into a region of nothingness when the Monster Squad used their German / Virgin connection to blow a hole in Limbo…
Now it’s time for the round II semifinals… Let’s get it on!
The Monster Squad vs. Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter – If there was ever to be a classing of cultures this is it! The young, lippy American Monster Squad squaring off against the hip, refined, and smooth talking Captain Kronos. The Monster Squad knows that they have a real challenge in the swanky Brit. and so they get Eugene to use his connects with the military. One crayon written note later, an entire regiment of tanks and jeeps comes rolling into the Back to the Future set. They level their guns and prepare for combat. Alas, they never get a shot off as The Monster Squad fails to realize that Captain Kronos is a REAL Captain and he pummels the Army from afar with his armada of cool ass ships. Captain Kronos swaggers into town and commands his bevy of accented beauties to take out the Squad. His plan backfires as most of the boys have yet to accept that girls DON’T have cooties and so are unable to sway, with the exception of the Rudy who becomes completely enthralled with young lust and is removed from the fight. Seeing that he has a real fight before him, Captain Kronos draws his sword and runs into combat. The Monster Squad counters by splitting up and running in all directions. Sean, in a stroke of genius whips out the nude photo of Patrick’s sister and distracts Captain Kronos. Taking the cue, Patrick runs behind the Captain and delivers a kick to the Nards strong enough to drop a pack of Wolfmen. Captain Kronos tries to swim back to his ship, but the pain is to great and sinks to David Jones locker. WINNER: The Monster Squad!
Faith, the Vampire Slayer vs. Blade – Oh Jumanji! This one is going to be a bloody, knock down, drag-out street fight. The two combatants walk into town. The streets are empty. A siren wails in the distance. Tumbleweed rolls across the lonely road. A lone guitar player sits atop a building to provide the perfect mood music. Blade and Faith size each other up. Both grin and lick their lips. The guitar is strum and the two Vampire killers’ charge at each other. Blade pulls out his death cord and attempts a quick decapitation of Faith’s pretty head. Faith chuckles and does a fast spin and slices the cord without breaking a sweat with her big ass knife. Only a few feet away Faith leaps into the air and delivers a brutal kick to Blade’s chest. His armor taking most of the hit, Blade fakes his fall and trips up the brunette Slayer with a fast leg kick. On her back, Faith cries out in rare pain as Blade drive a silver stake into her shoulder. Faith quickly recovers and pulls the stake from her body and jams it into Blades thigh. Blade staggers back and calls in back up. Whistler takes aim at Faith, smelling his nasty ass smoke; Faith grabs one of Blade’s boomerang blades and chucks it into Whistlers chest. You don’t bring me flowers indeed. Blade breaks into a rage and charges the Slayer. Faith turns in time to stick her curved knife into his chest. He slumps to the ground. His life force leaving him, Faith leans over him to taunt. His ruse successful, Blade brands his fang and bites deep into Faiths, smooth, luscious, sweaty flesh… Yum… Her lifeless body slumps to the ground. Blade rises filled with the blood of a Slayer. WINNER: Blade!