Folks who know me are well aware of the love I have to all things horror and that includes the men and women who hunt the creatures of the night. Universal is about to unveil Van Helsing to multiplexes all over the country. I really want to like this movie, really I do. But, from what I’ve seen on the screen and in print doesn’t get my hope up. Sure, it will look pretty and the leads are both damn fine looking folks. But, for my money a movie that contains the “classic” Universal monsters needs to have a certain feel to it. That feeling is hard to put words to. The film either has it or it doesn’t. Van Helsing just doesn’t seem to have what I’m looking for. But, I will do my best to give it a fair shake, as anything that keeps interest in horror high is okay by me. However, Van Helsing has given me a reason to look back at my favorite hunters of monsters. This will be no simple list though. There will be no top-10 or top-5 for these folks. No, as bereft of the nature of these folks. They will fight it out! Battle Royal style!
First our contestants…
The Ghostbusters – These four scientists have been ridding the world from free roaming vapors since 1985. Although focused on the incorporeal, these four dudes can put the hurt of physical creatures if need be.
Blade – The half-human, half-vampire spawn. Blade scours the night in search of all “suckheads” and doesn’t really mind who gets in his way. Blade’s war on vampires borders on obsession.
Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) – Not the flashiest of the monster hunters, Peter Cushing has an intellect that is unrivaled. Too bad he didn’t have that Death Star when he was fighting Christopher Lee…
Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) – Unlike his older namesake, this Van Helsing is the Men in Black of the monster world. Forgoing intellect he relies on gadgets and sexy brunette’s to aid in his cause.
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer – The blonde from Sunnydale has all the skills needed for hunting the evils of the night. But, a penuche for shopping and snogging with vampires may spell trouble for her.
Faith, the Vampire Slayer – The equally skilled, but hotter and far more chaotic version of Buffy. Faith tends to stake first and ask questions later. Will her short fuse cost her the match?
The Monster Squad – These five boys from the suburbs along with a Scary German Guy have been ridding the world of all monsters since the late 80s. Can their light hearted antics survive in this jaded world?
Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter – Oh yea baby. Austin Powers got nothing on this smooth monster hunter. He has a sword made from a crucifix and the ladies love him. Too bad he’s a creepy old dude…
Buffy vs. Faith – Okay, so lets get this one out of the way fast. We all KNOW who is going to win this one. I’m not saying it would be a cake walk for my favorite Mormon slayer, but in the end Faith will be the only one standing. Now, I don’t want to hear any crap about Buffy winning on the show. The ONLY reason she won was because it’s called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In the “real” world, Faith will school the Buff’ster. Buffy fights to protect people Faith fights because she enjoys the violence and kill. WINNER: Faith, the Vampire Slayer!
Captain Kronos vs. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) – This will prove to be an interesting bout. Van Helsing opens the volley with some droll British humor and raises an eyebrow. Captain Kronos counters with a sly wink and a nod, it looks good but he wasn’t focused on the fight and takes one in the chin. Blast! Van Helsing, feeling good hops in his buggy and attempts to run down Kronos. In his haste though he fails to see the lovely lady who will do anything to protect the stud that is Kronos. Van Helsing falls from a vicious slap from a young maiden. Having enough, Van Helsing draws his flintlock and takes aim at the flamboyant Captain Kronos. He fires, but Kronos is one smooth hunter and deflect the shot with his crucifix sword. Lunging, Captain Kronos puts an end to Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. Good show old boy! WINNER: Captain Kronos!
The Ghostbusters vs. The Monster Squad – The Monster Squad rides in fast on their bikes not caring what creatures they may face. The Ghostbusters pull up in Ecto 1 (cause Ecto 2 is lame) and asses’ the situation. The Monster Squad first begins by taunting the men from New York into a blind rage; they open fire with their proton packs! All but the dog Petie dodges the volley. The scent of burned dog reminds Venkman of his lost love Dana and leaves the fray. The Monster Squad fights back by ramming Ecto 1 with the Death Hearse they took from Dracula. Egon attempts to catch the kids in a proton trap but are beaten to the punch when Scary German Guy and the little girl blow a whole in Lobo, I mean Limbo. WINNER: The Monster Squad!
Blade vs. Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) – The battle of the funky, cool gadgets! Van Helsing opens by telling Blade that he thought Blade II sucked ass! Blade keeps his cool but takes off his sunglasses. This is going to get ugly. Blade tosses a silver death boomerang thingy at Van Helsing. Van Helsing counters by shooting it down with his automatic crossbow of smiting that he got from Q division. Van Helsing attempts to distract Blade by tossing Kate Beckinsale at him. Blade laughs heartily and pins her to the wall with a silver spike, he could give a rat’s ass about Kate; Blade is only down for the brown! The distraction still work however as Van Helsing is able to throw one of his Holy Cross Boomerang of Doom things. The weapon flies by Blade’s head. Blade laughs and shoots Van Helsing in the knee. Van Helsing drops, as does Blade as the H.C.B.of D. catches him in the return and knocks his black ass down! Van Helsing stands and walks with a strut to finish Blade. Blade laughs as Whistler shows up and nukes the ever-loving crap out of Van Helsing! WINNER: Blade!
Tune in tomorrow when the stakes are really raised! (Feel free to groan at lame pun)…